A girl like me

2004-04-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

1.48AM

heloooo well, trying to finish my computers homework...and yea. Getting distracted anyway! yep, listening to my enrique, I'm not alone! ^.^ HOLY SHIT! yesterday in french class, we were switching the language for the Finding Nemo to french and everyone was like, change it to Spanish! And then Cruz, who was sitting next to me was like, yea and I can translate it for you and he said something in Spanish. AAAA! [fan girl scream] it was so sexy! lol Spanish is like my weakness hehe that..and scrony but not twiggyy-like guys HAHA oh yes,, and sexy british, scottish, irish accents. XD haha yea... hooray! my basement's almost done, that's good. ^.^ and my cousins are coming over friday..night but we probably wont see them until saturday morning ...or something. oh well, im not complaining. [shrug] Anyway, I thnk I'm going to be taking a looong break from blogger. like, don't expect frequent posts, you know? maybe like...once every three monthes, HAHA or whenevr something really cool happened. Like sexy spanish, lol ok! so umm..back to work

p.s. over less-than-bagel

2004-02-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

10:31PM

Every guy in school sucks ass. Adrian is a cruel ass who doesn't even think about killing his own dog. Coolly saying that the dog's already old. i'm looking for another one right after i murder this one. Yea, I'm going over to Kelly's and together we're going to go and choose a dog, like you pick flowers Then toss 'em when they are wilted, huh? I went to Kalegih's hockey game on Saturday. it was an exhibition but he scored twice. thery won 5-0. UGH STupid adrian, shut up. Him and his MACS. I wouldn't have to bash it if you stopped talking about it. anyway, the less i write the better. I don't people to think i hate him, i just really dislike him at this very moment. Any person who talks about whatever is my personal life is a fucking bitch, especially when they promised to keep it a secret. Thank you for letting everyone know what I confided in you. I bet you can think who I'm thinking of. I hate liars so either don't, or forget about friends. you people can die and rot for all i care.

2004-01-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

12:39AM

Yay! New template. It took me forever to figure out how to put the stupid archives in. In the end it was so simple. Anyway, tired, good night!

2003-12-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

2:34PM

I'm starting to hope no one reads this blog. I can't stand the way I write in this one. its so annoying and prissy. I don't know, that's the way I find it. Anyway, Mo's mayne party was on saturday. it was good, i fell on my knees on the ice and got bruises but it was fun. I got About A Boy. Sunday was my own party. Kaleigh was flirting big time with Kelly. I felt so jealous, I'm angry that I did but I couldn't help it. I guess I still like him, huh? My mood during that party went up and down. One minute I was happy, then the next pissed off. Whenever I saw Kaleigh flirting with Kelly I was instantly pissed off and frustrated, jealous. When I didn't see them, like when I was with Kelly, Fran and Kris, I was happy and it didn't matter. Anyway, after my party, which ended at 5:30 almost, I went to Kaleigh's hockey game. They won, 1-0. And at the end when I was waiting for Kaleigh to finish getting changed or whatever, I saw Helena (Dorian's mom). And we were talking for a little bit. She used to give me and Andrea lifts home from Charles A. Kirkland like, in grade four or something. Dorian was playing the next game. That was too bad, 'cause I wouldn't have minded watching Dorian play. I'm not sure if he likes me very much. He certainly is nicer to me now then...well no. Actually, in CAK he wasn't all that mean to me. I don't know, at the time it was just talking, then I thought he was mean but now that I thikn about it again, it wasn't.I wonder if he ever liked me, since I know I liked him. Especially in grade six and a little bit of grade seven. I only remember because Vicky Law remembered. And supposedly I knew Jason Cruz in grade seven. Strange because I definitely don't remember. He told me that he was with Dorian one day when I was talking to him. Nope sorry, don't remember any ugly guy standing with Dorian. HAHA joking. I thikn I'm overly sarcastic, like you know, everyone's waiting for me to shut up type of overly sarcastic. Oh well. What was I talking about in the begning anyway? I seriously don't remmeber, talk too much. Well, got to be scrolling up now.oh yea, i wanted to talk about my holiday (24-25-26). But then I got carried away after my party. Patrick was the last to leave that party. and poor thing had to walk home. ok! moving on. the 24th family) went last minute shopping, it was really fun. oh yea, the 23rd me, bambam and andrea went shopping also, hehe. And I also got Adrian his rat. At first I was like, EEEEEEEW R-A-T, but then I saw her last night and I was holding her. She was sooo cute! except for her eyes...because they bulged out of her head, that was the only thing I didn't like. Kinda freaky. Anyway, I named her Popeye, the Sailor Rat! hehe, the popeye suits her popping eyes, lol. Ok, Christmas, we opened presents. I got shoes (heels), purse, unnicorn teddy!, horse calendar, and a cook book. :D Then we found Bob, the cat. The poor kitten. Anyway, he's still here. He's sleeping on the chair next to me in the kitchen. Alright, Boxing day. The four of us went to the Airheads circus and was half an hour late. heh heh oops. But it was good. I liked the trapeze people and the elephants. They were really cute. But the poor tigers and lion looked so sad and they moved so slowly. They probably don't get to run around at all! Poor things. Alright, so after that we went shopping downtown. We went from the Eaton centre to the Baie then from the Baie all they way to Simons all underground! And we ate lunch at Da Giovanni. Expensive but it was ok, pasta, I had a craving for that. Ok so everyone in my family got something. Andrea and my mom got shirts at Mexx, then they got PJ's and bras at La Senza. I got this cute skirt at Tristan & Iseut. what a weird store name. Oh yea, Andrea also got sheepy slippers, they are adorable. My dad got some suits...or maybe just one. Anyway, then later we went home. or at least headed in that direction cause I went over to Adrian's for supper. I was late and I feel really bad for holding everyone up. -_-;; Well, consider it payback for the time that Adrian was late dropping something off. That was fun. I played with Popeye and Nicky, his turtle. Oh it was funny. I put Popeye on the rim of the turtle tank in his room and she was just sitting on the edge when I burped real loud. Lol. the poor thing ran to the other side of the tank. and looked like it was going to jump in, also. haha it was funny, i hope i didnt give it a heart attack. lmao alright, anyway i think im going to go and head off to do some history summaries. [cringe] homework. O.O NOOOO so later!
-C.

2003-11-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

10:49PM

I see it all around me
I can see them holding hands
I feel it in every heartbeat
That I'm left here only to stand
And filled with all my worries
With all my paranoya thoughts
I feel I have done my part
On keeping my hands away
But really all they do is focus
On the few times I've done wrong.
So how can I not be distressed
When I've wanted all along
To be together without
Displaying affection; And now
I know everyone only sees
The things I try to hide.
So why should I put a limit to things
When I can stop it altogether.

Caporuscio and Morrison told my parents that me being with Adrian was interfering. They had seen us together at lunch and recesses. I know Caporuscio has said things but I never thought Mrs. Morrison would also. I feel so ashamed. First I feel disgusted at the way Kristalyn and Patrick have a public display of affection in front of everyone. I also see how much it bothers other people. Because of them I don't feel comfortable hugging or kissing Adrian too long. It has only been recently that I was able to hug or kiss him at my locker. And whenever Aaron makes a comment all I can do is laugh. But I wish at that moment I could push him away, pretend I never even did it. I fear the fact that I will go overboard and people will avoid me, avoid us together because they don't know when we'll ignore them and start making out. I cried at the parent/teacher interviews and have barely stopped since. It bothers me that I can barely speak up for myself without having tears pour down my cheeks. I handed in my essay that was due today at the interviews. I felt so ashamed that I had mislead her into thinking that I was good and had handed it in on time. I relly hadn't. She made it a alittle bit better when she said that it was the same date and that I had made a 'special' trip just to hand it in. I still feel real stupid and such. Tonight I have shamed myself twice or more. I wish I had intelligence. Not even Brennan's, Sonia's, Patrick's, they're all so much better than me. And I distance myself from Kristalyn because I'm intimidated by her. She is better than me at drawing, math, science, english, french, everything. She does better things than I do. She can play sports better. She bakes, cooks, knows how to fix her computer. She's a very well-rounded person and I get so jealous of her. I laugh when she fails. I'm guilty of that and I don't enjoy it. And that's why I felt so angry when my parents had told me that teachers told them that they thought me and Adrian were too much together. When I see Kristalyn and Patrick, somtimes it just makes me want to run the other way or tell them to get a room. I have no guts to say or do anything though. That's why I'm writing it here, hoping that one day she'll read it and I wont have to confront her about it. She'll still know but i wouldn't have told her directly. Today was good at certain parts. When I got home from my orthodontist appointment, I began working on my belated english essay. Adrian came over at3:45 - 4:00PM. I continued to work while he watched Shaolin Soccer. I was able to remain focused while he was there. And then continue to Kaleigh's to print my essay, since the printer doesn't work. That made me feel good, that I was able to concentrate and do my work while he sat 2 feet away from me. At Kaleigh's I did my thing and we talked a little bit. I enjoy talking to him but I also don't. I talk the whole conversation and it's always started by a 'You know what?' which is then followed by Kaleigh's 'What?'. I like listening to Kaleigh's voice whenever he does speak. but I cant appreciate my one-sided conversations. I have nohting else to say except that I was able to do some of my homework tonight. Good night.
-C.

2003-10-22T00:42:00.000-04:00

12.36AM

Kaleigh said that me and Adrian we rebeing like Kris + Patrick. I thought he was serious on the bus, but when me+ Adrian called him at home, he said he was joking. Oh, okay. Dustin answered the fone, thought it was Matthew. I told Adrian to say" I need help for my math homework. /you think you can come over?" (he did but he said man...he said yo man.) Anyway, K later said that he thought it didnt sound like Matthew really. 'cause it wasn't. Ha Anyway, then i was going to say bye but he said "My mom needs to use the fone, ill call you back, okay?" so I'm like sure, why not. how often does he offer to call me back on his own. so he calls back in like 5 minutes and we're talking for like 5-10 minutes. Adrian's kinda getting ticked, but i love talking to Kaleigh so much, i cant stop. Then K asks"What are you doing now?" "nothing" [pause] "I'm coming over now, k?" "o..kay" Wow! I mean, how often does K come over without me asking him and stuff? never! so how could i refuse. He stayed over for like 10-15 minutes before i had to have supper. Adrian was kinda mad that K had come over and we couldnt spend total aloneness time together. I'm definitely going to have to tell vicky this story tomro. That's all about Kaleigh.
Adrian now, hm. He skipped his rugby practice for me, that's sweet. i wouldnt go to a practice if i had one today. too muddy and stuff. i dont really have much to say anymore...really sad. im sorry. he was leaning on me when we were watching dea + Laure-anne's concert tonight. i liked that, it felt nice :)
Avoiding bed, too scared about being late tomro

Spirit me away!

2003-10-13T01:46:00.000-04:00

1:32AM

His hands, hynotic
His eyes, entrancing
His name so smooth on my tongue.
Like a gentle caress from a single word
It rolls along in my mouth.
I wish his lips were against my own
Oh, that would be the day.
What a perfect day that day would be
Pray for it with all my might.
And yet I can't let go of my past;
Still loving Adrian Kanary.
Oh why do I find myself liking two?
When really I love one.
How long will this last?
And who will I love;
Something I'll know in time.
Kaleigh, oh, Kaleigh,
What a wonderful name.
Will you be mine so I can know for sure
The way that I feel for you.
Adrian, oh, Adrian
Will you please let me go
So I can realize the way that I love you
And the way I can't live without you.
One day I'll find out the one whose for me
But until then I'll agonize
And wonder about the results.

2003-10-13T01:10:00.000-04:00

12:33AM

I was kissing Wassim. I needed to see inside his room, someone saw me and i ran. Ran behind Mrs.Kombrat's yard and turned away before I ran through KAleigh's. We went inside to our laundry room, though it was his house. And I was sititng on top of the washing machine. And we kissed. In my dream, it was such a sweet kiss, all slow and we were both so into it. But then I stopped and he wanted to kiss me again. What would it be like to really kiss Wassim? From what he looks like in my memories, he's not that bad looking anymore; must be the dream. It makes me more curious as to what it would be like to kiss him, or anyone. So why am I still with Adrian if that's the way I really feel? I'm too afraid to lose what I already have with Adrian. I feel so comfortable around him, I can say or do any with him around. And he can do or say whatever he wants in front of me. It's a mutual open-ness, really. And whenever I'm alone with him it's like there's no one else for me. But whenever we're with Kaleigh, I want to, need to be with Kaleigh. Just to have him hold me, and to have me resting in his arms. It's the fact that I can never have Kaleigh that makes me want him so much. You know the way you want something really badly until you get it; then it just becomes something that no longer interests you. But now it seems as if my thoughts revolve around Adrian and Kaleigh. Kaleigh is everything perfect to me. He's athletic, he's smart, he's fucking hot, he play musical instruments, he's honest, he's super sweet and caring. He's not quite straight-forward but I can definitely deal with that. What if Adrian reads this? Well that's fine, if he reads it, at least he'll know what I'm thinking since I'm too much of a coward to tell him myself. I can't believe myself for that. Outgoing Cat's too wussy to tell him something that simple. Why can't I be happy with Adrian, I am though. I just want to go out and do other things, without losing him. Of course, that's too much to ask for. Truthfully, I'm only saying this 'cause I want Kaleigh, badly. And im curious to knwo what it's like to have the perfect guy love you. And curiosity killed the cat.

Spirit me away!

2003-09-01T16:03:00.000-04:00

3:32PM

Well, to continue my dream from a few nights back, it ended with Patrick, Kristlalyn and even Tyler Spence at Kaleigh's house when I got back there. I had left to bring back Spence's bike which I had left in the middle of a yard. But then it had fallen over on it's side. Some other part of that dream, or perhaps it was a seperate one all together, we had more than the one fish we have in our tank now. And there were 'baby' fish. They looked like tadpoles but without the bulbous heads.

2003-08-28T17:06:00.000-04:00

4:40PM

Dreamt another dream of Kaleigh. I was over at his house, we were just enjoying each other's company for a while, sitting on his staircase. We could see into his kitchen from where we sat and straight ahead hooked onto the ceiling in front of us was a TV. At first it was a cooking show and his mom was watching while she was preparing supper. Suddenly it had changed to an explicit show. I think this was due to the fact that last night in the car, once we had driven Dario,Adrian and Fran home from my soccer, we were talking and half-listening to the radio. Then all we heard was 1-877-SEX. Me and him were both wondering what the hell just happened and we both burst out laughing. I was joking around by saying that he had said SIX and not SEX. This, I think, is what brought on that part of my dream. After that Kaleigh didn't want me there anymore. Then I was outsde in front of my house, the garage door was open and I think we were cleaning it out. Tyler Spence came riding around in his bike. I don't like him, thinking that it would be great to play a trick on him and hide his bike somewhere along 9th street, I did it. He had left it to go and see Kaleigh. I also thought in my dream, that Kaleigh didn't like him and that he would want me again if I did that to Spence. He was wearing the same thing he wore in the grade 4 class photo. I ran with his bike into the driveway of the first house once your turn left (West) onto 9th. I saw Kris, Patrick and someone else, I think it was Vicky Law. I gently leaned Tyler's bike on his stand, but it was really wobbly. They had wanted to push it down onto the floor but I told them not to and that it had to stay standing. Then they continued down the street.

Well if I go on this way, it will take forever for me to write down what I want to and I have 'chores' to do around the house. I'll continue later on.

2003-08-24T14:37:00.000-04:00

2:08PM

I need a break because Adrian is the one for me. And I can't stand the torture of being tied down so soon. I want to spread my wings and soar to wherever I want. I like him so very much, I just can't hold on. If I know and he knows that there's no one else for me, am I allowed to walk away and come back? This trip up North, while I was up talking to Kelly, has made me want Kaleigh even more then I did before. And Gabriel is a real piece of eye candy. I just want to fool around, but I still like Adrian, and I don't think there would be anyone but him, but I'm scared to say anything to him. I don't want to lose him. I'm filled with want and lust, but Adrian is and always will be something more.

2003-08-23T00:20:00.000-04:00

12:10AM

Do I like Kaleigh? Is there a reason for such enjoyable dreams? All I want is to have Kaleigh's friendship, with that, I'll be happy.

How is it that your heart says one thing
And your mind is telling you another
Then your whole body is at war
And nothing, nowhere is at peace.
I can no longer control my thoughts,
My urges, I need to feel your love
Without it I'll be lost forever
To prove to you my need for you,
I shall be your slave for all eternity.
Do what you will with me for that time
I will not complain or cry out
Just use me for what you want
At least I'll know you love me.

2003-08-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

1:10PM

Dreamt of Kaleigh one night and we were kissing, but it was nice. It was meant to be a secretive kiss, leaning our heads forward together to mask it. We were walking home, with Kris and Kelly talking behind us. Kaleigh and I were holding hands, how they didn't realize was beyond me, must have been the dream factor. Everything was a nice shade of blue and gray. And his kiss was blissful.

Dreamt of Kaleigh last night and we were amusing ourselves by jumping up the stairs, making sure to avoid the cracks between each tile. We were a big bundle of joy and happiness making our way slowly up the stairs to our dorm rooms. We were happy, him and I. The halls were lit up, with a nice pinkish tone everywhere, the tiles were of a terracotta orange-brown colour. Something blue broke on one floor, a round vase, an art sculpture. We made it to our dorm rooms, mine was right next to his, bigger in size also. And I was scared to sleep in it alone since my roommate was not there. I was in his bed. I was with Luke Wilson, and he kissed me. He had asked me if I was happy.

Before Kaleigh, we were in a car and drove by an ambulance. A girl was on the table getting treated with an IV bag attached to her. A dark silhouetted figure sat at the end near the doors, he turned and it was Patrick. He had red eyes.

2003-08-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

5:54PM

Black and yellow, fuzzy, wings
You're the cutest of all the things.
Little bee you make the flowers grow
Friendly and gently buzzing around
You're nicer and more passive
Then your cousin wasps, is what I've found.
So don't stop making the flowers bloom
Black and yellow, fuzzy, wings.

2003-08-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

1:24PM

I don't know what I meant by thought-provoking.

Bitter thoughts and bitter pain
Stains my heart with all the rain.
Soaking me through with all the hate
Can't believe our love turned out this way.
I love you and you loved me once, too.
Life was great 'cause I had your love
But now I know that love was untrue.
Unknowingly, innocently, you kill me
Slowly, so slowly I invite it into my home
Inviting it into my heart, where I wish
It would strangle me, just like you are.
So kill me already, kill me someone
Before I go and beat you to it.

2003-08-17T15:49:00.000-04:00

3:47PM

Hey, new blog, but I've decided to keep this one as a thought-provoking one.
luvs xo